job security.

it'd be nice to have some.

it's weird, every time my boss has a guest in her office, of any kind, i'm immediately convinced that she's interviewing candidates to take my spot at the front desk. what's frustrating is that i just don't feel like i'm indispensable here. i work hard, i do everything with a smile to the best of my ability, but i still feel deep down like it's not enough. i don't get any positive feedback from my boss, but she's kind of cold to everyone, so i have no way to know whether or not she thinks i'm doing well, or if there is anything i could/should be doing differently. i THINK my co-workers like me, because their feedback for the most part is enthusiastically positive, but i spend a lot of time analyzing people's responses to me and i never know what to make of them...

part of my problem is that my confidence is so unsteady. once in a while, i feel unstoppable and on-top-of-the-world. but for the most part, i spend my time worrying that people are talking about me, panicking that i'll lose my job, lose my friends, lose my money, lose my apartment... i just have this constant, nagging, consuming fear of failure and loss that i can't seem to shake. but i work so hard at being a good person and making good decisions and trying every day to make the part of the world that i touch a little bit better. and yet i always feel guilty and undeserving of what i have, which is why i can never fully enjoy it, because i am paralyzed by the fear of it going away. i don't know why this is. well, i have an idea, but it's not something i can just acknowledge and let go. it's deep-rooted in history and family and haunting memories that have become engrained into my every day life. and yet i know deep down in my heart that i deserve more, i deserve better, because i want it and i'm willing to work for it, so i need to let go of the things that are holding me back.

since this summer, i've already made huge strides in my efforts to conquer my addictions - drinking especially, and i've changed my lifestyle dramatically. i'm not going out every night of the week, actually not at all during the week, and i haven't blacked out by myself in as long as i can remember. i should be PROUD of these things - i made these changes on my own, i confronted my demons largely without help.... why can't i feel proud of myself and who i've become, or more confident in my abilities, and in my future?

i guess it's not "job" security i need, it's security in general...